A Bitterman's Harem
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: Izuka makes the perfect plan to ensure that his Feral Project can continue unchecked, and Soren, at least in Gatrie's eyes, gets his "lucky day." Warning: This fic is essentially much more "Dark" humor rather than "Bubbly" humor.


A Bitterman's Harem

_As Izuka slipped out of Bastian's trap, he knew that, sooner or later, Tellius's united army would take him down and destroy him and all his precious work. Somehow, he had to prevail and stop those idealistic fools from ruining everything._

_But then he came up with the ultimate plan._

_Bribing one of Ludveck's former cooks, Izuka handed the disgruntled Crimean a special drug that he himself concocted. Granted, it wouldn't do something so convenient as kill Soren outright or take out any of his foes persay, but there was potential in this drug. If successful, it would disrupt Yune's 'Chosen Ones' for years to come, and Ashera's Judgment might end up becoming permanent if everything went according to plan. Izuka wasn't a fan of Lekain, not by any means, but if fulfilling Lekain's goals also allowed him to move forth with his own, well, that was victory enough._

* * *

That particular meal was rather interesting, Oscar noted that evening.

For one thing, Mist and Tanith, his assistants, acted rather strangely and in a daze before the food was served. The moment everyone was seated and the food was brought in, pinkish steam began to rise and cloud everyone's vision. Ike, Tibarn, and several of the other men gagged, but the women in their combined party seemed subdued... That would change shortly afterwards, though, once that strange smoke finally lifted.

The next morning, their army gathered together at Fortress Gados, and Soren began to speak before their entire army.

"It's clear that we handful of veterans are the last people standing, but that does not mean that the situation is hopeless. We will divide our forces into three separate divisions, and will march forth towards capital Sienne. Lord Tibarn, you will lead alpha group. Ike, you shall command our beta group. Yune, you have command of gamma group... The rest of you shall regroup yourselves with each commander."

"Master Soren, I must apologize, but I object to that decision!" Elincia spoke suddenly, with an unusually demanding tone, and Soren was shocked.

"... Madam Elincia?..."

"Why is it that we have to divide our forces? I... I do not wish to leave your side..." Elincia spoke, placing her hands on her chest.

"Eh? Well, I will be part of Ike's team... You could accompany us, I suppose..."

"I second Her Majesty's statement." Sigrun spoke. "There is no reason why any of us have to be separated from you, Soren."

"Eh? General Sigrun? Er..."

"Both Her Majesty and Sigrun are quite sound in their arguments. Soren, I don't want to fight without your near me too. We've been together for so long... And I'd like for us to stay together even longer." Titania added.

"Hsss.... All these beorc speak wise words. Soren, I don't know particularly why, but I can't bear the thought of taking down enemy troops without you nearby." Lethe hissed softly.

Lyre shrugged, and shook her head. "Well, I guess I agree. I don't know why, but I like you around, Soren."

"Yeah! So Soren, stay with me forever and ever, ok?" Mist started to look excited.

"Soren... It would be a fools move to split our forces, right? Why don't I stay right next to you at all times? You do need my skills in melee combat to protect you after all, right?" Lucia smiled at him.

"I object, Lady Lucia, for as a master of the sword and lance I am even more qualified to escort Soren. You should step aside." Tanith spoke harshly at Lucia while stepping towards Soren.

"So I guess we're all rivals for Soren, then... But how would we all duel each other at the same time at dawn?" Mia scratched her head.

The girls, Calill, Jill, Illyana, Nailah, Micaiah, Laura, Sanaki, Fiona, Leanne, Nepheene, Astrid, and Meg included, gathered around Soren, snarling or hissing at each other while getting ready to brandish whatever weapons they happened to have.

The fact that Calill was married, that Titania and Nailah could pass for Soren's mother, and the fact that Lethe, Lyre, and Leanne would lose their status as laguz if they succeeded in mating with Soren didn't faze any of them in the least. Soren either belonged to any one of them, or they'd die fighting for him. There was no other option. Though they were sisters in battle, though they had fought so many wars together and had finally been reunited, they would eagerly kill each other for that particular man.

Gatrie could only cry while Shinon stared at them all with disgust and disbelief. Boyd, Geoffrey, Naesala, Bastian, and Sothe exchanged knowing nods. Together, they'd kill Soren and end this madness. Besides, Largo would probably thank them for it, too.

* * *

It was the winter of despair.

He had always hated too much attention. Soren would rather be at peace, relaxing on a comfortable armchair, than running from this army of females. He was not Gatrie. He didn't enjoy being pampered and chased after. For Yune's sake, everyone had been turned to stone and it was clear that they'd have to move out towards the Tower of Guidance in order to stop Ashera, yet these girls found themselves under this love struck spell. If only he had a Thoron tome to set everything straight…

But this was no time to ponder. From the air he could spot Marcia, Jill, Tanith, and Sigrun exchanging blows while their eyes searched eagerly for him. And if that wasn't bad enough, Lethe and Lyre were tracking him on foot. The two sisters only joined forces just this once to make sure that no one else could claim him.

He had to find a place to hide, and fast!

* * *

Far to the distance, Valtome smiled. "Good Disciples of Order, it seems that the Dark God's forces are so incredibly evil that they are fighting amongst themselves, tee hee. We are not barbaric enough to kill those who are already committing suicide, so take your positions and continue surveying the enemy. If they succeed in destroying themselves, then our mission will have already been fulfilled. We do not need to sacrifice Ashera's champions needlessly, after all."

And as the Disciples merely watched, the women among Yune's chosen warriors continued to battle over Soren.

* * *

"We've got to find a way to stop this… Otherwise… Otherwise I'll… We just have to!" Boyd groaned as he slammed his axe into the ground.

"Rest assured that I agree wholeheartedly, but what exactly can we do?" Geoffrey shook his head.

Edward shrugged his shoulders. "Well, if all the girls find that Soren is more of a man than the rest of you, then what can you do about it?"

Shinon's eyes narrowed. "You dumb ass. Don't you realize what you're saying? We're the only people who were not turned into stone. If all the girls are after Soren, then that shows how the rest of us are just lame compared to that whelp… We've got to kill him so that each of us has a chance to be a real man."

At that point, Aran came running past them, with Laura in his arms.

"Goddesses, why have you forsaken me? Am I not fit to be your bishop? Hath I failed thee? Why did you let me lose against Fiona, of all people?" Laura moaned.

"It's ok… I'm getting you to Rhys. You'll be fine." Aran cooed.

"You're… A good friend… It's just a pity that you can't take down a whole squad of enemies like Soren can." Laura sighed.

For a moment, Aran considered dropping her off a cliff and making it look like an accident. Damn that Soren!

* * *

He could hear Lethe closing in from behind him. He saw Jill smack Tanith in the face with a Steel Axe and swoop down towards him. From his right he saw Titania come charging forth.

And he immediately collapsed on the ground and curled into a fetal position.

Lethe hissed once she saw Titania. "It would be dishonorable to ambush you, which is why I have appeared before you. Rest assured, Beorc, that had we not been comrades for so long, I would have assaulted you from the shadows."

Titania raised her axe. "Now that's all fine and good, and I thank you for being considerate, but are you really more powerful than me, or did you need to catch me off guard in order to win? Let's see if you're truly worthy of Soren, Lethe of Gallia!"

Lethe hissed. "Yes, and when I defeat you, I'll prove that Gallian soldiers are superior to their Crimean counterparts in every way!"

* * *

As Lethe and Titania fought on the ground, Jill swooped down and captured Soren. "Hang on to me if you want to live." She advised, noting that he could easily slip off and have his brains sprayed all over the ground.

Soren put his arms around Jill's waist and clung onto her for dear life. Obviously, he did not want to die, not when he owed his life to Ike, and definitely not so pointlessly either.

Jill blushed and fixed her hair a bit as she made her wyvern dive forward. She had won. She'd cut down Sigrun and weakened Marcia enough for Tanith to take her down. Jill had defeated Tanith in aerial combat and had proven her status as the best flying unit among Yune's chosen ones, and now she had finally gotten Soren when all these other girls were still fighting over her.

Fiona was another on a long list of those who had fallen in the fight for Soren. People like Meg were sitting ducks for Calill, but even Calill herself was no match for Lyre as she swooped about. Leanne, Laura, Mist, they stood no chance against their fellow comrades in the fight for Soren. It was not beauty that would win his heart in this contest, no, it was who could be the most deadly. The girl who could kill all other suitors would be the only one for Soren, literally.

And so Mia cut down Lyre and hid in the forest, watching Titania and Lethe fight it out. She'd taken out Calill and Astrid, too, and with those two dead she'd proven her skill. Titania had slammed her axe into Micaiah, and because she cut the silver-haired maiden down, Sothe made it his personal mission to kill her, except he failed miserably.

Boyd, Sothe, Geoffrey, Naesala, Bastian, and Shinon, having united to help kill Soren, found themselves standing against a short-lived alliance of girls: Mia, Jill, Sigrun, Tanith, Titania, Lethe, Calill, Lyre, and Nailah. Knowing that if those six boys killed Soren they'd lose their prize, these girls allied for a few moments to help protect Soren and ensure that their bloodbath would not be in vain. As one could imagine, Naesala got ripped apart from the Jill, Mia, Nailah triple attack, and once he went down the others knew that they were pretty much dead.

Shinon stood the longest, and for a moment Sigrun considered dropping out of the race and settling for the red-haired marksman instead, for he did seem kinda cute, but, then again, he just didn't have Soren's heart. He was a jerk with a heart of lead instead of gold, at least to her.

But now Sigrun was practically dead, and Titania triumphed over Lethe just in time to see Jill flapping away.

"You… You harlot! Get back here so I can show you how a real woman woos a man!" She yelled as she reared her horse and plunged after Jill.

"I'm afraid I can't let you follow her just yet." A voice spoke. Before Titania could react, however, Nailah pounced from Titania's right and cut her down. After smacking her former comrade and nearly breaking her neck, the wolf Queen howled and bounded after the wyvern rider.

* * *

"Soren... You'll be mine so soon, and I'll prove myself to be the best of the best." Jill cooed and blushed.

"Um… Right… Jill, what's going on, exactly? Since when did you…?"

Jill's eyes widened. "What do you mean, Soren? I've always loved you…"

"Eh? But… But you never…"

"So you're that dense?" She giggled. "I kept on trying to snuggle with you when our army settled down for the night."

"Why don't I remember any of that?"

"Soren! Are you afraid of commitment or something?"

"No, of course not!..."

Jill blushed. "Really… Oh, Soren!"

Soren gulped. Jill and the others must have gone crazy, but it looked like he couldn't escape now. Oh, well, at least he could say that he got himself a girlfriend for once, even if she was a psychopathic killer.

* * *

And so rider, archsage, and wyvern flew off into the night, while Nailah could only sit down and howl at the moon. "Come back, Jill, I dare you." Nailah thought while licking her claws. "Soon enough I'll be after you… Soon enough…"

Because Micaiah had been cut down rather early in the fight, Ike and Tibarn, along with the other survivors, really had no one to lead them as they marched into Begnion. When the Disciples descended upon them, they really had a slim chance.

Ashera laughed as she spared both Jill, Soren, and their many children for the time being, for they were what allowed the forces of disorder to be defeated, but sooner or later she'd get rid of them too.

In the next few eons, the world of Tellius found peace, as both beorc and laguz decorated the land as detailed statues of stone. Even Shiharam's grandchildren weren't able to avoid that fate. Izuka's victory was but a farce, but at least it lead to world peace.

_Fin_.


End file.
